lots of feelings

It's pretty damn funny how many feelings I had just two short years ago.  I can't believe how much I've changed.  Last time I posted here I still believed in Jesus. And the government.  And other people.  Not to say that I've completely become a misanthrope, but I do have problems with how most folks fundamentally think.

One thing I won't do is swear to post. Obviously I can't keep up with that. Same problem I have with any other commitment I make.  But oh well.

Clifford Brown, my dog, is a piece of shit, it turns out.  I have faith that he'll eventually stop being such an asshole. But I guess time will tell whether this faith is misplaced too.

I legitimately don't have much else to say.  I'm not really feeling the whole cryptic vibe I had with previous posts because even I can't remember what the fuck they were supposed to mean. And I lived through the shit! So there's that. We'll see if I'm meant to keep blogging or if I just do this periodically to hash out what I'm actually thinking.

Maturity. Does it ever come? Or is it just an evolution of personal beliefs over time?

catch the rebop train

well. just finished a nine-ish page research paper. in less than 24 hours. somewhere in the vicinity of 18 to be exact. with 3 hours of sleep nestled in there somewhere.

lot of stressful shit went on last night though.......but relieving. Actually, I haven't felt this good in a damn while. even though I had to deal with some real shit while pretty damn intoxicated, but I think it may have gone well. we'll see.

I really do hate feeling like I'm hiding something. even though I shouldn't have to. .....necessarily.

just waiting on this damn late ass music history professor.

thinking about what I'm doing. and who I need to talk to. and what I need to do for the future. these next few weeks determine the outcome of the rest of my life. but don't every few weeks?

real talk.

Pre Wind Ensemble Concert

So. Chilling in the instrument storage room before the wind ensemble concert. I don't really want to go. but I enjoy supporting my friends and I get to get drunk after, so that's something to look forward to.

I think I may start attempting to write the memoirs via this blog soon. Cause damn it. if jordy isn't going to do it, someone needs to.

research paper.

research paper!

fuck.

I really really don't wanna do that damn paper.

or practice.

or anything.....ugh. damn my laziness.

mmmkay. gotta go watch a concert or some shit.

thoughts thoughts thinking thoughts.

The End of the Beginning

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

What a pointless fucking saying. Anyone can pretend to redefine themselves to feel better about however they've been fucking up, but the fact of the matter is that no one really puts forth any effort these days.

...myself included.

So that's why I have to hold myself accountable with this damn blog. because going back and reading that 2010 recap and my post from a few weeks ago is somewhat inspiring, oddly enough.

they show me how far I've come, and yet, I still haven't come too terribly far.

which is unfortunate. but Rome wasn't built in a day, and it's really fuckin fun to do bad things. Why stop?

LIMITS...

that's what I really need to learn, how to control myself and do the things that are actually important first. then party.

that's why this summer is so fucking crucial. and the end of this semester. I have to get serious about my life because it's racing past me, and has been for a little while now. somewhere in the vicinity of the past year or two.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

oh yeah. Pissing away the time of my life that I'm supposed to be using to get better. to hone my skills. to give a big "fuck you" to everyone that's going to hate on me and what I'm trying to accomplish.

School.

Friends.

Love.

Life.

I don't think I've figured any of those things out. I still have so many questions. questions that can't be answered alone. but wtf am I supposed to do? I can't upset the status quo. pressure's always on me to make everyone happy. well...I've even lost all sense of reputation by this point because I've stopped giving a fuck. Not surprising, because I don't really give a fuck. But I need to be at least using this time to get something done.

I need to plan each day. and stick to it. damn it.

Oh well. I'll figure out this thing. Just can't ever be afraid to do me. period.

Love everyone. Unconditionally. Be awesome to each other.

(why is it so hard to remember that, all the time?)

New Beginnings

I will start posting regularly, damn it.

I have too much to say, to think about, to consider, to figure out, that will only come out properly if I'm talking to myself. Fuck if anyone reads it. I need to keep on the right track of things.

Goals for the summer:

Double G's all game long, every game.

Make money.

Bonnaroo.

Arrange at least 2 tunes (4-5 if for small group)

Compose a tune (or 3 if it's combo)

Transcribe at least 5 solos.

Essentially, close the gap that's gaping between me right now and the badass I want to be relatively soon. I want to be the best human being I can be. Everyone should realize some of the things I've realized over the past few months. Hopefully without going through anywhere near as much stress and heartache, though. This world needs a revolution. And I want to bring it. A musical revolution of unprecendented proportions. A revolution, not based in violence, but in a love of music and universal truth.

I don't know. This philosophy Heath and I are developing is pretty young. And he's starting to bitch out on me, so I may have to continue down this road alone, again. At least until I find another person or two who are willing to share this journey with me. Cause I'll be fucking damned if I don't meet all my goals.

Ultimate Goal:

Create, redefine, figure out the next era of musical history.

I want people like Dr. Miyakawa and Moore-Lucas to be studying ME after I die. Shit, before I die. I want to be the FUCKING SHIT!

Now I just have to get all my homework turned in. and make some money, so I'm not starving or without a home.....damn it. Lofty goals are lofty for a damn reason. I have to dream. Let's do this.

I'm willing to barter.

And I'm going to change the world.

study day

wow. my last post was an ode to the en of 2009, and here I am nearly done with 2010. shit time flies.

I had long forgotten how cathartic and helpful just blogging is. saying something when you don't have anyone to talk to. and it doesn't really fucking matter what I say because this is my space. well, this year has been quite an interesting one, to say the least. I probably couldn't remember everything that's happened if I tried, so I'll try to at least remember some major events from each month. in case I get Alzheimer's and forget about my life or some shit. I'd like to think that 2010 was better than 2009, and maybe it was, but certain aspects sucked. In general the whole living situation was bull shit. Spring semester in a house that I didn't want to deal with, and fall with the black hole that is 5947 foothills dr aka my parents' house. the summer wasn't bad, considering I lived with heath at the Apartment. But personally, 2010 was a year of great triumph, or at least a move towards one. let's see how it shaped up..

January: New Year's party at heath's, finally welcomed over there by Becky, I think this was post annoyance stage, perhaps. Started my descent into bull shit and complete fuck-up lifestyle. Ha! gonna cheat and use my planner to jog my memory. God. I meant so well. but lethargy is one sonuvabitch. I even wrote in when I was going to practice. I don't really remember anything else from january so it must not have been too important.

February: Well, there was the super bowl, that was fun. I think that kicked in the sexual tension between erinn and I. maybe, can't really remember. I do remember talking to Eddie about buying the house we were living in at the time. and a lot of food. that I bought. I need to learn to be better with money. Oh and this semester was before I lost my university scholarship. damn. and was in Jazz I. DAMN IT WHY DID I HAVE TO FUCK UP SO MANY THINGS LAST SEMESTER! Oh man. Louisville Jazz Festival, and that whole weekend. Surviving on a measly 6 (I'll be generous with that) hours of sleep for an entire weekend is far too little. five hour energy isn't supposed to be a life force, I'm fairly sure. Fuck some Cheetham Scherzo though. Oh, and I interviewed for that backup job with Kroger that day too. Oh wait Kroger company, you're bull shit and would rather an IDIOT who can work 40 hour weeks have management positions than a skilled, talented, intelligent individual who could only commit to 30. Fuck you Kroger.

March: Ha! I had forgotten about that BS Sokol Fanfare. what a miserable idea, to play it before EVERYTHING(!). Definitely don't remember a damn thing about spring break. probably just worked and hung out at heath's if I had to guess. and then heath turned 20, and that was cool. but again, do not remember much. March was kind of a haze, I guess...

April: Apparently we had a show, Fourth Avenue, that is. Heck, that may've been one of our first, if not our first one. Then there was Easter. Got underpaid. Chris Click was hungover as FUCK. that's about all I remember about that one. I do remember regretting not waking up early enough to chill with david prior to leaving. Now somewhere in the midst of all this, there were numerous parties thrown at the house, which I attended until a certain point. This point being the night of complete bullshit and the first time that I honestly wanted to beat the living shit out of michael and everyone that agreed with him. I turned my back on a lot of folks that day, for some time. and by a lot of folks, I'm fairly sure it ended up just being michael. I may have been a fuck-up, I will admit that, but I sure did not deserve that bull shit. Middle of April was pretty damn good to me though. the tension between erinn and I finally came into the open. unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that relationship was doomed from the beginning, but I was too starry-eyed to realize it. michael tried to tell both of us. but neither listened. and honestly, well, I'll save the bad parts for june/july. April was good, and never have I felt so good as I did around 4 or 5 in the morning on april 15th 2010. aside from the fact that i'd smoked like....an entire pack of cigarettes in a few hours. Boropalooza happened. I barely passed jazz ped, even though I know my shit and can lead a band. damn laziness and writing a paper when I was supposed to be at the midterm. oddly enough april ended with a study day, well close to it anyway.

May: first of all, I do remember eating Taco Bell WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH in this month. Also solidified things with erinn and thought I was golden, but I was destined to fuck that up too. hmm. found out about going to bonnaroo for free sometime around here. I think. actually, may's kind of a haze. fast forward. **edit: I do remember having to deal with some serious insurance bull shit that eventually got my license suspended. I really have a problem with car insurance. and registration.

june: well, there was bonnaroo. which was probably one of the coolest experiences I've ever had. hands down. trying to get shit together an hour and a half before we were supposed to leave was probably a bad idea though. I think it was around this time that things with erinn were best, if I'm not mistaken. plans to hang out post 'roo and post her trip to south(?) carolina. which did happen. once. but I was a dumb ass and couldn't fucking allocate my time wisely. but I'll consider myself still in the dark at this point. or some bull shit like that. june came and went though. scraping by, trying to support heath and jordy. and have fun. times was rough.

july: normally one of my favorite months each year was rather lackluster this year. fourth of july....I honestly don't even remember what I did. maybe shot fireworks with the family. actually, yes that's what I did. I think I went to memfrica shortly thereafter and had a good ass time. stressful, but fun. things in my life started deteriorating at this point though. it was around...well the middle of the month that I started having my slow, painful breakdown, I think. It started when I realized the inevitable, then thought about how much I was fucking up my life, in school, friendships, relationships, with my folks, in just about every aspect of life I was fucking up, and hard. and I freaked out. like. freaked. the. fuck. out. and I didn't know what to do. I remember just sitting in my car for a long time outside the apartment. by myself, with heath, on the phone with erinn, just freaking the fuck out. and part of me likes to think that maybe, I could have completely changed things around at that point. but I know that's probably not true. well, sometime shortly thereafter, was my birthday. and needless to say, I was extra fucked up. all. day. we went to chili's! and saw inception and smoked entirely too much. entirely too much. but it was fun. at some point the day after, however, I got the text that made my stomach leap to my throat. and it was at this point that I knew I had failed. however, damn it, I wish I could've gotten a straight fucking answer instead of some "it's not you, it's me" bull shit. fuck that. be real, or you're just a phony like everyone. maybe I was just too damned optimistic, maybe I wasn't that fucking terrible, maybe maybe may be. oh well. july kinda sucked in 2010.

august: officially moved back in with the folks, which meant time to go to jordy's more often and that I did. still working at Kroger, although I think it was around this time that I had finally reached the last straw with the bull shit. smoked with his daddy, which made me feel cool. but I think I was on the up at this point. I think. band camp. section leader. awkward as fuck. had fun, face hurt. met eli though, and that shit was important because had I not, I do not know how this semester might have turned out, for good or worse. also started hanging out with rick more, which was pretty sweet. this inherently allowed us to hang out with katy jones, and this is important later. but yeah, band camp. hung out with eli quite a bit, and this freshman chick wanted my nuts. and got them a few times, much to my future self's chagrin. but the dick does what it does. bring a freshman was pretty ruined because of this though. and jordy. he got waaaaay too fucked up, which I don't think I have told him, but I was pretty pissed about that. actually. really pissed. which is why I fucked on his couch! umm...school started and I had high hopes.

september: I feel like september was the month of bad luck. shit just went wrong. life was still awkward post break up. and I was sorta kinda talking to this girl, but shit. she was a freshman and really annoying and just.....not someone I could seriously date. I also almost go a DUI sometime in this month. thank you officer....whomever for not taking me to jail and ruining my life. tags have been expired since june at this point (and still are in real time). and license had been suspended back in may. oh! (see may edit) so..yeah. that happened. actually after a party at the Slums of Shaolin, at which I made out with a quite sober Hannah (as aforementioned, I almost got a DUI, I was pretty drunk). That started that whole thing. and I feel like that's one of the more important september events. however, there was also the fact that, after four years, I finally left Kroger. Interviewed for BAM after I made it my goal to have a new job by the end of the month. how I forgot I do not know, but september is the only month in any kind of recent history that I did not smoke the least bit of herb. which is pretty fucking impressive given how my life had been going.

october: blacklight party. underage citation. "you can't bullshit a bullshitter". first day at BAM, learned it was easy as fuck and that apparently most people there weren't terribly intelligent or something because I was being primed for promotion from day 2. Also pinned my second little, Derek. who is a BAMF. love that kid and I'm damn proud of him. and my first grand little was pinned, and I'm extra proud of Clay. middle of october is when billy told me to stop dragging my feet with hannah, essentially. so that's when things started moving along there and we discussed a relationship. which is pretty monumental since up until this point I had not been over erinn in the slightest. to be real, it still hurts and I'm still not completely over it. but it's not so hard. in the meantime, couple of football games, lots of smoke trips to ricks and jordy's. had a pretty big gig with the Features and released an album with fourth avenue, which was pretty damn cool. Conducted our National Anthem at the Homecoming game, which was FUCKING EXHILARATING AND TERRIFYING. but fun as hell, regardless. also had visits with most of the 16 PMs this month and that was annoying as fuck because of the drain it had on my free time. I also worked a shit ton and that was starting to wear on me. CoC was in there too. that was ok. I don't remember what I did afterwards though.

November: celebrated eli's birthday pretty early on, that was cool. dr. arndt's recital at fumc...meh not as much. granted, I was also pretty sleep deprived at this point. went to court the following day. I don't understand how you can charge a $2 fine, but $350 in court fees. fuck the system. watched steve davis play trombone and be badass, and the opera was cool too. gold night was much better than last year. and we collected about 50 or 60 cans so, word. sometime around the vet salute game was when I actually spoke to erinn again for the first time since the summer. just couldn't handle it prior. hurt too much, and I know me and I know that my optimistic dumb ass would have hoped for another chance or some bull shit and that just would've hurt more. but like I said, by this point I was feeling much better about the situation and I was talking to hannah, so I wasn't too concerned. actually, shortly thereafter is when hannah and I started going steady, on thanksgiving, to be exact. and then I worked my first black friday. what a long ass-fucking that was. but by the end I was numb at least. came back to school and felt pretty damn good about things. still skipped a lot of class, but I felt like I could do it all. granted, that's probably just the beatnik about me. oh. before the whole thanksgiving thing, my first arrangement was debuted at the jazz two/arranging concert. and I felt pretty fucking cool about that. and proud of myself.

December: it's a work in process, but it's been interesting. found out about an awesome apartment deal, lost it thanks to jordy not being able to get a co signer, the bastard. had a pretty sweet symphonic band concert. got patronized by dr. arndt. passed the macgamut final, after having to retake it since I couldn't make it in time for the first one. and that's where I am right now. post macgamut retake. sitting in the sfa lobby writing about my year.

By no means is this comprehensive, I just needed something to do for a little while. and writing is some damned cathartic. hopefully my demons of the past year will leave as I enter 2011. It's going to be a pretty ridiculous year post-7.23.11. but before then I'll have to make it. and that's a whole spring semester and summer away. not to mention the winter break just around the corner. I do believe that's all I have to say for the moment. I think I'm back to stay. still willing to barter.

good bye.

2009 is just about done.

thank goodness. It's had many good moments, but far too many shitty ones.

2010. A new year and decade.

now, just to grow up.