good bye.

2009 is just about done.

thank goodness. It's had many good moments, but far too many shitty ones.

2010. A new year and decade.

now, just to grow up.

creole and cake for thanksgiving.

I have to say that I am extremely glad that I happened upon this song. Creole by the Charlie Hunter Quarter, featuring Mos Def. It's pretty damn bad ass, if I say so myself.

Michael was right about the library, it's a great place to go just to focus. However, I haven't actually done any homework, just done some thinking and listening. Sometimes it can be rather nice to be completely shut off from everyone. I mean, I still have my phone, my computer, so I can technically connect my self to anyone at any given time. But the option to shut away, it's cathartic. These past few weeks have all been a blur. Of parties, school, auditions, practicing, stressing, Beethoven, thinking, not eating, eating one meal a day, parents, work, money issues, bitching, overthinking. And even though most of these things have been painful, or at least a pain in the ass to deal with, I really do feel better having experienced all of them.

Thanksgiving. Hmm. It's the holiday that tells you what to do. Give thanks. I have plenty to give thanks for, not the least of which all those things I already listed. But that's not what this is about. I'm not really one to get all sentimental and shit, at least, not in a blog. That's cliche.

If I can just make it through today, I think everything will be better. Regardless of how things turn out, I just know that having all this stress lifted from me will be nothing but beneficial. That being said, I feel fairly good about everything. Nerves aren't necessarily the worst thing in the world. Let's me know that I really do care, at least. Cake has a pretty darn good trumpet player.

It's funny. How life works.

what's wrong son?

gotta say something, somewhere.

suppose here is as good as anywhere.

reminds me of so long ago when just a simple note saying "my life" on my twelfth birthday probably saved me from doing something so very stupid. just saying one thing can bring such immense relief. hopefully this silly journal, of sorts, can accomplish that, though I know full damn well it won't.

(60-40/75-25)

anyways. enough catharsis. I have to keep some kind of pressure on myself. otherwise I'll never get anything done. back to work. I have auditions to kick ass in in just over a week. there goes my real focus, everything else is just icing.

...and now I've begun to ramble.

good.

eroica, coffee and beta eta

of all nights to decide to post on here, I choose tonight. go figure.

not that tonight's anything special, good or bad. I just have a busy ass day ahead. got in a fight with michael. and the bad thing is, he was completely right. he just about always fucking is. and I hate being wrong, I've discovered. this comes as a huge detriment to me because people really hate that shit. I also have terrible time management issues--michael's case in point this evening. that is also why I am still up. I must finish this damned assignment. still have no clue what the hell to do about all the things I missed in Woodwind Tech...........

So here I am, sitting in my living room, surrounded by our ten PMs. I do really like these guys, they're a good group of kids; just need to work on getting closer. coffee is keeping me alive right now. as it will do so tomorrow as well. I just can't afford to build an immunity.

I really do hate not having anything to say.

....yet actually having so much. I also hate focusing on things that don't matter. just have to get shit done. enough said. now to diagram an exposition and talk about subjectivity. oh. and whatever the fuck question 5 was. possible practice in the near future as well.

gravity

it's for sure working against me. damned isaac newton and his apples..

other than that, a lot of much needed practice, and the foregoing of a lengthy explanation of the crazy shit's been going on the past few days, I have little to say.

so what if I like john mayer? he's a damn good guitarist.

keep me where the light is.

-enter B.A. solo-

davy, davy crockett. king of the wild frontier.

I'm not quite davy. but I was born and raised in Tennessee, so I think that makes me closer than many. point being, I'm going camping tonight. in my dad's backyard.

yes that sounds lame. but if it sounds lame, you probably haven't seen where my dad lives. it really is the middle of nowhere. and I've never explored behind his house, across the bridge over the creek.

taking a few good pals along is gonna make it better, as will the hobo packs for eating and summer brew for drinking (in our Bubba Keg!) watching the stars at night is truly peaceful. and making a wish on a shooting star or two gives me hope sometimes that this crazy life of mine just might make ends meet. (ha, didn't plan on making the end of that statement as alliterative as it was).

otherwise, I'm really in a good place right now. I could be doing more with my time, but I don't always. such is life. if you always made the most of every single second you'd inevitably explode. because some moments are supposed to last longer than others.....or something like that? camping. I was talking about camping.

heading out soon.

nature is calling me.

and I think I'll heed this call.

this time.

workworkwork

yeah that's what I do a whole lot of. (and I'm also aware that I ended a preposition, so shoot me)

working's all right so long as there's a bit of play to follow. and playing's all right so long as there's a bit of work to precede/follow. it's pretty much a neverending cycle, and I'm pretty sure that when you can find the balance between it all, you've reached nirvana.

life's all right sometimes. it's the mysteries that keep me intrigued mainly. and there are plenty of mysteries to choose from. (yes, another preposition at the end, what? do you want me to say "mysteries from which to choose? come on now). dreams are a fun one on which to focus my time (happy?). if only I could remember more of them than just snippets. I feel like I'm taking my own dreams out of context when I can only remember one, maybe two things. and then making up the rest as my now consciously thinking mind sees fit. it's unfair to poor, paralyzed, pure (ish) dreaming me.

thought about posting a wish/thought, but then remembered the old adage: you can wish in one hand, and [defecate] into the other, see which one fills up first. it never did hurt to dream, did it?