catch the rebop train

well. just finished a nine-ish page research paper. in less than 24 hours. somewhere in the vicinity of 18 to be exact. with 3 hours of sleep nestled in there somewhere.

lot of stressful shit went on last night though.......but relieving. Actually, I haven't felt this good in a damn while. even though I had to deal with some real shit while pretty damn intoxicated, but I think it may have gone well. we'll see.

I really do hate feeling like I'm hiding something. even though I shouldn't have to. .....necessarily.

just waiting on this damn late ass music history professor.

thinking about what I'm doing. and who I need to talk to. and what I need to do for the future. these next few weeks determine the outcome of the rest of my life. but don't every few weeks?

real talk.

Pre Wind Ensemble Concert

So. Chilling in the instrument storage room before the wind ensemble concert. I don't really want to go. but I enjoy supporting my friends and I get to get drunk after, so that's something to look forward to.

I think I may start attempting to write the memoirs via this blog soon. Cause damn it. if jordy isn't going to do it, someone needs to.

research paper.

research paper!

fuck.

I really really don't wanna do that damn paper.

or practice.

or anything.....ugh. damn my laziness.

mmmkay. gotta go watch a concert or some shit.

thoughts thoughts thinking thoughts.

The End of the Beginning

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

What a pointless fucking saying. Anyone can pretend to redefine themselves to feel better about however they've been fucking up, but the fact of the matter is that no one really puts forth any effort these days.

...myself included.

So that's why I have to hold myself accountable with this damn blog. because going back and reading that 2010 recap and my post from a few weeks ago is somewhat inspiring, oddly enough.

they show me how far I've come, and yet, I still haven't come too terribly far.

which is unfortunate. but Rome wasn't built in a day, and it's really fuckin fun to do bad things. Why stop?

LIMITS...

that's what I really need to learn, how to control myself and do the things that are actually important first. then party.

that's why this summer is so fucking crucial. and the end of this semester. I have to get serious about my life because it's racing past me, and has been for a little while now. somewhere in the vicinity of the past year or two.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?

oh yeah. Pissing away the time of my life that I'm supposed to be using to get better. to hone my skills. to give a big "fuck you" to everyone that's going to hate on me and what I'm trying to accomplish.

School.

Friends.

Love.

Life.

I don't think I've figured any of those things out. I still have so many questions. questions that can't be answered alone. but wtf am I supposed to do? I can't upset the status quo. pressure's always on me to make everyone happy. well...I've even lost all sense of reputation by this point because I've stopped giving a fuck. Not surprising, because I don't really give a fuck. But I need to be at least using this time to get something done.

I need to plan each day. and stick to it. damn it.

Oh well. I'll figure out this thing. Just can't ever be afraid to do me. period.

Love everyone. Unconditionally. Be awesome to each other.

(why is it so hard to remember that, all the time?)

New Beginnings

I will start posting regularly, damn it.

I have too much to say, to think about, to consider, to figure out, that will only come out properly if I'm talking to myself. Fuck if anyone reads it. I need to keep on the right track of things.

Goals for the summer:

Double G's all game long, every game.

Make money.

Bonnaroo.

Arrange at least 2 tunes (4-5 if for small group)

Compose a tune (or 3 if it's combo)

Transcribe at least 5 solos.

Essentially, close the gap that's gaping between me right now and the badass I want to be relatively soon. I want to be the best human being I can be. Everyone should realize some of the things I've realized over the past few months. Hopefully without going through anywhere near as much stress and heartache, though. This world needs a revolution. And I want to bring it. A musical revolution of unprecendented proportions. A revolution, not based in violence, but in a love of music and universal truth.

I don't know. This philosophy Heath and I are developing is pretty young. And he's starting to bitch out on me, so I may have to continue down this road alone, again. At least until I find another person or two who are willing to share this journey with me. Cause I'll be fucking damned if I don't meet all my goals.

Ultimate Goal:

Create, redefine, figure out the next era of musical history.

I want people like Dr. Miyakawa and Moore-Lucas to be studying ME after I die. Shit, before I die. I want to be the FUCKING SHIT!

Now I just have to get all my homework turned in. and make some money, so I'm not starving or without a home.....damn it. Lofty goals are lofty for a damn reason. I have to dream. Let's do this.

I'm willing to barter.

And I'm going to change the world.